With Lent having just ended (I’m areligious, so had to look it up), I wanted to look at the difference between guilt and shame - two emotions integral to the way religion works. We often use them as synonyms, but they’re not. A version of this is in my book about secrets (out in 2024 - so, a while yet!). It’s a bit wordy today - I promise next week will be something lighter!
But think of Hamlet’s play within a play. Shakespeare’s most famous (and emo) protagonist Hamlet suspects that his uncle Claudius killed his father to take his place on the throne. He puts on a play for the new king in which a similar murder takes place. The idea is that Claudius will be so deeply affected by a theatrical version of what he did that he will show visible signs of shame. It works; and Hamlet is certain that Claudius is his father’s murderer.
Shame comes from a discrepancy between the perception of the self we want to show to the world…and the reality – the liar, the secret keeper. You feel inauthentic. Whereas guilt can trigger coping behaviours to make you feel better about yourself, shame differs in that it is a negative evaluation of the self. Guilt is useful – it might push its bearer to seek resolution. Shame keeps you in a rut.
In Dostoyevsky’s ‘Crime and Punishment’, the protagonist Raskolnikov kills an elderly woman (not a spoiler, as it happens right at the start). The rest of the book is a riveting look at the way the human mind tears itself apart when infested by secrets and shame.
The character is ‘aware of a terrible disorder within himself’. He isn’t able to do much about it without coming clean…but shame (unlike guilt) doesn’t compel him to come forward. For a less literary look at shame, Netflix cartoon Big Mouth does a great job with the Shame Wizard, who compels the children to wallow in their inner turmoil.
This difference between guilt and shame was perfectly summed up by a former Jihadi terrorist I had on the podcast called Jesse Morton: ‘Guilt is feeling bad…but being merciful to yourself. Shame is punishing yourself for what you once were, and blaming yourself for what you became. There’s no way to mobilise an ability to heal, when you’re stuck in that trap.’
Jesse was radicalised in prison, before concocting the ingredients for the bomb that went off in the terrorist attack at the Boston Marathon in 2013. The explosion near the finish line killed three people, and injured hundreds.
Later, Jesse turned his life around, and began working for the other side. One of the smartest and most empathetic people I’ve interviewed, Jesse talked many terrorists down and likely prevented countless more casualties.
Still, you got the impression that he couldn’t shake off what he’d done. We continued chatting after the interview, and I was pleased to see how he made a go at living despite his shame.
In December 2021, a few months after I last spoke to him, Jesse passed away unexpectedly. His sons found his body. He was 43. The cause of death has not been made public; but his words on the inability to heal from shame haunt his absence.
Edge News
Last night I interviewed Molly Bloom (from the film Molly’s Game). It was a delight - wow, she’s brilliant! If you haven’t already, watch the movie, so you’ll be in the know in advance of the episode, which will come out in a few weeks.
A day in the life of a hypochondriac:
Yesterday, I woke up and couldn’t move my big toe up. I searched Google for the cause: the beginning of a motor neurone disease. It would gradually spread to the rest of my foot, and then my body. I went into panic, and began getting my affairs in order for my demise. Then I realised it was because I’d over-stretched my calf the other day, and the calf muscle is connected to the big toe (look it up, it’s weird!). A few hours later, I could move my toe. It was a miracle.
I get about 10 minutes per day when I’m not working on the podcast or my book. In that time, I’ve been trying to learn piano (just by copying songs on YouTube tutorials). I’m currently on She’s The One by Robbie Williams. Except, it’s not by Robbie Williams, but Karl Wallinger. Robbie’s song was a cover - and Karl isn’t happy about his lack of credit! Anyway, it’s a joyous song to play and sing…not so joyous for my poor neighbours.
On the Edge With Andrew Gold Podcast: This Week
Monday: Ep. 109 - Amanda Montell on the language of cults
Amanda’s book Cultish is a brilliant look at the way that cults influence their members. This is definitely one not to miss, and I really enjoyed learning about Jonestown Massacre, QAnon and Heaven’s Gate cult suicide.
Thursday: Ep. 110 - Rory Sutherland on thinking differently
Rory is a behavioural and consumer expert - and he’s a LOT of fun. Madly eccentric, he talks with great humour about pretty much everything. His view is always a little different from the mainstream, so it’s great to see how transport could be different, how politicians should behave and much much more. Just trust me - don’t miss this.
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Tonight (Monday) at 9pm UK | 4pm ET | 1pm PT, I’ll be in the chat for the premiere of today’s episode on Alonement. Come join us, even if it’s just for a minute to say hello in the chat on the side. It’s a nice chance to meet other listeners. Set a reminder here:
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Andrew
I love the hypochondriac post. I was the same way but at my age now the symptoms are real!😑